


The More That You Fear Us (The Bigger We Get)

by Markirya



Category: Tennis no Oujisama | Prince of Tennis
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eyeliner, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Poor Fuji, Violence, what's a happy ending?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-19
Updated: 2017-10-19
Packaged: 2019-01-19 06:14:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12404715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Markirya/pseuds/Markirya
Summary: Sweet numbing pain, for Echizen he'd feel it each and every time. So much, he'd dismissed every worried glance, and just let his friends watch as he was slowly consumed from the inside out. Fuj's love was that big, though Echizen didn't care.Thrill Pair (is "Thrill" still a thing?).





	The More That You Fear Us (The Bigger We Get)

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it was hard for me to re-read this. I was in a really fucked-up mood.  
> I put 'past' and 'present' as I was told it was a little confusing. I hope it's better now! SOrry.  
> \- Title comes from Marilyn Manson's "Disposable Teens". I love him <3  
> Hope you enjoy it!  
> Last chance: it really is pretty fucked up.

* * *

 

Present  
  
He knew, from the very beginning, yet the burning sensation in his body wouldn't leave him alone. Fuji Syuusuke suspected from the start, but he wouldn't acknowledge it.  
  
Why? He asked himself the same for countless nights. He wondered and wondered, but until recently he never got an answer.  
  
Now he knew why. He didn't want to see it because he wanted to enjoy the little time he had left. He did it because he did not want to doubt the other teen.  
He did it- he did it because he loved him.  
He _loved_ Echizen Ryoma. And the boy wouldn't even blink an eye before leaving him behind. Fuji loved him too much, and hated himself as much, if not more.  
He saw it in those golden-olive eyes when he asked the young man for a chance. He saw the uncertainty -no, the indifference- in them. Still he chose to ignore it, and thus started the charade that would eventually consumed his existence whole.  
  
_'Not everything is at it seems.'  
_  
_'…I missed you.'  
_  
_Please leave your name and a message. Beep.  
_  
_'I love you, Syuusuke.'_  


* * *

  
Past  
  
Not a week later, they were the perfect couple, always soft and caring, everyone wanted to be them. Even the Regulars stared with as healthy a jealousy as they could manage at the retreating backs of the newly formed couple, from their entwined fingertips to the way Fuji rested his head over Echizen's head, content. Who would've thought!  
  
Some people said they had never seen the sadist look happier, smiling for real and opening his eyes in enjoyment. They were surprised by the fact that the indifferent boy could change Fuji so much, the brown-haired teen wasn't even pulling pranks on people. He was good-natured, participated more in classes and outside of them, people were no longer as afraid to approach him. However, he only had eyes for Echizen.  
This could in no way have been considered a bad thing. Except that it was, and no one saw it. No one wanted to.  
  
On the other hand, Katsuo told Kachirou how Echizen looked different when he was with Fuji. Both of them were talking inside a burger joint from where said couple had just left. The latter nodded, but somberly and with hesitance commented that he wasn't sure if it was for the best, and his friend agreed, equally wary. They knew what most people saw, it was impossible not to hear the gossip: they thought Echizen looked alive, happier. They thought he was finally growing out of his brooding, dismissive behaviour. They whispered about Fuji being the one to 'melt the cocky brat's icy heart'. They would comment how the scowling face was now softer, how he _smiled_ sometimes.  
As two of the people that knew the kid the most, they weren't so sure. It was a gut thing.  
  
The truth was that things were more screwed up than anyone would've guessed. When leaving school in the afternoon, they would hold hands and talked tennis in hushed tones, but the moment they were out of sight, Echizen would withdraw his hand and keep silent, walking always two steps ahead of the older prodigy, cap down over his eyes and hands deep in his pockets.  
It was the same part of the tensai that had overlooked the hesitancy in those eyes that first day that told him it was fine, reminded him to smile fondly at the shorter teen's antiques. It would reason with him, 'he was being shy' or 'you did not expect him to be all lovey-dovey, right? You know that's not who he is'. Normally, they would walk to Echizen's house, have some tea, play tennis and do homework. It was a routine they kept for about a month, only breaking it a couple of times to go and play on the street tennis courts. The platonic routine didn't really bother the blue-eyed teen. He rather enjoyed when he was invited-  _allowed,_ really- to sleep over, seeing as he was living alone in that huge house. Both his parents died in an accident and his cousin was never home anymore, not that he ever talked about it. They never did anything more than sleep. In fact, it was rare that they even made out.  
  
Weeks went by and their new routin dictated that no matter where they went or what they did or how tired they were, they would _always_ end up somehow in the beautiful teen's bedroom, where Echizen would hug him, kiss him, but never go any further. The apparent tendernss confused Fuji at first, independent of how much he rejoiced in it. Didn't Echizen want him? He didn't feel ready to deepen their relationship, in truth, it was fear that moved him. Once again he let his fogged-up mind throw his worries in that little box that was hidden somewhere deep in his mind. All in due time.  
  
He never asked, yet he knew that if he did, Echizen wouldn't answer. Which was why he never asked. Slowly, unnoticed, fear was starting to stain his decisions.  
Fuji wondered about it constantly, these two opposite sides that Echizen showed him. During the day, if there were no people around, he was distant, and as much as he tried, apathy was all that Fuji got for his efforts. He was cold and blunt, which troubled Fuji's soul a couple of times. But every single time, every afternoon he decided he was going to confront his boyfriend, he couldn't even open his mouth. Actually, he found it rather occupied in responding to the heated kiss Echizen initiated and ended, Echizen was always the one in control.  
  
No matter how many times he asked, how many tricks he pulled, or any means he resorted to, Echizen always won, to the point that after a while he stopped trying to gain the upper hand. Echizen resented him for trying, accused him without really saying it of doubting his intentions, of being selfish. He 'punished' Fuji for these actions. He'd ignore him for long stretches of time, saying he wasn't sure if Fuji actually wanted to be with him or just win. Win what? Fear kept making him uneasy, until each time he saw Echizen scowl he panicked internally, sure that it was going to be the last time, the last straw, Echizen would tire of him. He quickly stopped asking. Soon enough, he even stopped wondering about it, no longer aware that his boyfriend's behaviour was unusual. No longer aware of how he was being manipulated, if he ever was.  
Thus, he didn't even blink an eye when, after making sure he knew exactly who he belonged to -Echizen Ryoma-, even going as far as using violence to get the point across, the younger male would rest his head in his companion's shoulder and drape and arm around the clothed stomach. He caressed his cheek and whispered sweet nothings into his chest, the vibrations sending chills up his spine. This changes left him speechless, and left him wanting more. Craving. He needed to keep this young man by his side forever, he didn't know what he'd do otherwise. The thrill was just unavoidable, inevitable as the bruises he was bound to find adorning his body the next morning.  
  
He had become addicted to his smell, his touch. Everything he ever wanted lay forgotten as he thought of ways to chain the boy to him, without imprisoning him. Because the day Echizen felt trapped would be the day he would leave the tensai, and it shattered his heart to even think about it.  
  
During the day he questioned this thoughts, thoroughly, how could he be willing to give up everything to somebody who only held his hand to keep up with expectations, and apart from that, not even touch him or spare him a glance except when strictly necessary.  
But there were always the nights. It was during this nights that he berated himself for being so absorbed in himself and not paying attention to the body beside him. He spent the whole day thinking and musing, and was never actually with his boyfriend. He felt so bad.  
He didn't deserve him. He never said anything, yet Fuji could feel it in his voice. That tiny voice during the nights that flowed like silk from his lips, stabbing him with such a force that he cried for hours after Echizen fell asleep. And as he looked at the angelic face, perfect porcelain features, he swore over and over again never to do it again.  
He felt miserable when the next day repeated itself in almost the exact same way, not even flinching as the smooth voice of his beloved abused him over and over again.

* * *

  
Present  
  
_'You won't look at me at all. Don't you love me anymore?'  
_  
_'…I'm so glad I met you. You always make me happy. Better.'  
_  
_'What's that frown on your face. You're always lost in thought.'  
_  
_'Do you hate me?'  
_  
_'I love you, Syuusuke.'_  
  
Once again, Fuji's whole body quivered in response to the memory, but he couldn't keep them from resurfacing. The way those eyes shone when he said he loved him. Was it all a lie?  
All those tender touches, all the adorable pouts, the random hugs, were they _all_ fake?  
  
He refused to believe it, even as a more rational side of his mind reminded him of the pain. And he could feel it again, spreading through his chest like a flame fanned by the wind.  
Sweet numbing pain, for Echizen he'd feel it each and every time. So much, he'd dismissed every worried glance, every hesitant, probing question. He just let his friends watch as he was slowly consumed from the inside out.  
  
Only now he realised the extent to which he had been manipulated. Alternating between loving him and chastising him, Echizen was obviously driving him in a steady pace towards insanity. Fuji remembered too well the guilt, which he now knew was unjustified, because it was Echizen who stayed away from him, it was him who wouldn't even meet his eyes at school. It was him who at night, after loving him and being the perfect boyfriend, shoved it in his face and put the blame on him. He was a fool to fall in such a trap, but he couldn't fathom it happening another way. Every time, this psychological torture brought him to a state of desperation, just another act in Echizen's show. He was dangling from a thread held between the boy's fingers, only to find himself not caring at all.  
  
Not even when Echizen let go.  
  


* * *

  
Past   
  
The day came when the fair boy suddenly wanted more, or rather, he didn't want anymore. To obtain that, he decided to break Fuji Syuusuke, to burn him until not even the ashes were left. Why? He wasn't sure; because he could, or because he knew Fuji would let him if he tried. Tear him apart as a shredder would a piece of paper, until the only thing left were unrecognisable pieces. It would be a slow process, which in turn made the wounds deeper, until there was no turning back. This was the day when, for good or ill, the force of their choices would finally bring them over the edge, right into the abyss that lay before them.  
  
Fuji knew something was amiss when his lover didn't hold his hand at school, and when he went to have lunch alone on the rooftop. He was usually never out of character, he stuck to the loving charade. Once again, the sense of imminent doom loomed above his head, and once again he ignored it. Instead, he focused all of his energy in pleasing his insatiable beloved, which seemed to be the only thing in his mind nowadays. He thought hard and raked his mind for anything he could've done to upset him, but he came blank, as he did every single time.  
  
But Echizen deserved it, for all the pain Fuji put him through daily, he was that fragile and that precious.  
  
He went to the rooftop and was rewarded by a not-really-asleep-but-eyes-closed Echizen. Gods, he was so perfect it made his heart ache and, shockingly, something further south. Was it his idea or was Echizen's shirt and pants tighter? When the boy in question lifted himself up and stared at Fuji with that look on his eyes, his breath was caught in his throat: he was right, the uniform the boy was wearing was at least one size too small, his hair was messy in a very good way. But what made him stir was the predatory glint in those olive-golden orbs: the raw passion and the lust pooling like molten lava, burning every fibre in his being.  
He gulped and took a deep breath.  
  
"Are you okay, Ryoma?"  
"Yes."  
  
He felt like stuttering and flushing like a teenage girl but his pride wouldn't allow it. Instead, he reciprocated the look with the same desires in mind.  
  
"You need anything?"  
  
"Oh, Syuusuke" came the husky response. Echizen walked right up to him and pressed himself flush against Fuji's body, that was in turn thrust into the now closed door.  
"I want - no, I need you, Syuusuke. To pound into you so hard you'll black out from the- pleasure" Obviously, Fuji did not hear the pause, because if not he doubted the prodigy would be panting and pressing his arousal against Echizen's half-hard length.  
  
"When." The brown-haired teen breathed out after a while, when he got his thoughts together  
  
"Mm, tonight."  
With that, he pushed his hips so that his left hipbone was pushed into Fuji's sensitive length, then made sure to let a low, shaky moan right beside his boyfriend's ear.  
Fuji had his eyes scrunched shut, his mind and body in overdrive. He felt as though he'd ran a marathon without actually moving from his spot. He was shivering even in the mid-summer heat, not out of cold, he noticed. No, he was shaking in anticipation and need, a prehistorical urge to relieve the knots in his body, -something he had never felt before, the clench of his muscles, and the heat radiating from into his body.  
A heat that was now gone.  
That made him come back to reality immediately. Sure enough, Echizen was nowhere in sight, and the bell for his next classes had just signaled he was late for English.  
  
Not that he would or could concentrate on whatever the teacher tried to teach him. His genius self was dumbfounded, his brilliant mind had shut down like a light bulb that had just overheated. It didn't seem capable of registering anything besides what happened on the rooftop, the feeling, the way his body was aching for the touch, _Echizen's_ touch. He suddenly wondered what it would be like to be pushed open, stretched beyond his body's limit, to be filled by the boy, to be one with him, joined in the most intimate way. He shivered at the mere thought of it, and while it confused him and set off his suspicion alarms, he ignored it. He was so used to doing it that by now he needed not to even think about it, which proved to be a very dangerous thing.  
After a lot of arguing with about five inner selves, and a lot of going back and forth, he decided he was once again putting his thoughts on himself rather than on his lithe companion. Once again, he was thinking about his own satisfaction, about his desires and only his own. What did Echizen want? Did he want this as much as he did?  
Or was he just confused, his young mind still not clearly knowing what he wanted.  
  
No. That was not true and he knew it. As much as it pained him to admit it, he was the only virgin in this relationship. The younger male had said he lost his at age 16 to Kevin Smith, _Kevin Smith_ of all people, and he had since then maintained a disturbingly active sexual life. At first it bothered him, he was such a young man, but like every other tiny fault, every single little flaw, he forgot about it and embraced the revelations, just because his love was that big. The fact that Echizen had finally made a move to take their relationship to a new level surprised him but he in no way reproached it. He was more than glad. In fact, if he needed to give his body, his soul, the one and only thing he had control over -his _virginity_ \- in order to keep the fickle kid by his side, he'd spread his legs like a pleading whore any time of the day. So he anxiously paced mentally, counting the minutes until the the bell signaled the end of classes, and the beginning of tennis practice.  
  
He was nervous, no denying it, and even the tensai in him didn't know what exactly to expect. He had the impression Echizen would be quite a partner. Aggressive and brutal sex, like a machine working on overload. Yet there was always that other side of him, the one that normally surfaced at nights, when Fuji could easily see the tender caresses and the sweet kisses during their lovemaking. The thrill of the unknown was making itself known through he cloud of self-induced arousal, and he wondered why he had never thought of sex before. But like every other aspect of his life that was not directly linked to the pretty seductress in a hot teenage body, he dismissed is as irrelevant.  
  
Though no one could really tell the difference, he was anxious, nervous, and excited as he entered the clubroom. As he expected, his little lover was right in the middle of changing shirts, a pretty mundane action that turned into a mini striptease the moment their eyes locked. Obviously, nobody else noticed, they were too busy on other things, and it was subtle. They _were_ prodigies after all. Afterwards, Echizen walked towards the courts, but not before smirking widely and covertly brushing the back of his hand against the partial hardness concealed in Fuji's pants. Luckily for him, his eyes were closed, if not people would've speculated and assumed things, seeing the glazed over and faraway look in the deep blue eyes. His mind now full of flashing scenarios, each dirtier than the last, he scurried to change without even thinking about it, then hurried to the courts: the faster they were over, the faster he got to please Echizen.  
  
As he expected, practice was a blur, with only a few things remaining in Fuji's memory. For instance, the way Echizen would swish his hips seductively while running laps ahead of him, or the way he whispered lewd comments in a sexy voice when he walked past him. Or even better, the way those eyes stared hungrily up at him, eyes unreadable as ever, except for the lust that had somehow broken through the wall of apathy in them. And as the love-sick fool he was, he just deduced it was because, Alas!, Echizen felt the same way he did, had the same urges and desires that he had, and that was probably the only thing that he thought about until Tezuka dismissed them.  
  
They were now going up the stairs, towards the bedroom to 'study'. There was no one home, Fuji didn't expect otherwise. He was feeling restless and fidgety, just like those girls in the films his sister secretly watched, chick flicks with blushing high school adolescents. And like one, he wasn't ready, not for this, and he only hoped his little lover would take that into consideration.  
Unfortunately for him, there was none of that lovemaking bullshit in the air at the moment, only the need for a harsh fuck and release. And that's exactly what he got. Echizen didn't waste any time on foreplay, just threw the thin body against the mattress and straddled his still dormant front, swinging his hips wildly up and down, right to left, forwards and backwards, until the pain of the material rubbing against his length and the pleasure of the action itself brought him to the hardness that the younger man desired. He still couldn't decide if he liked the feeling or not, clearly his body did, but this was all too sudden. He was hot and desperate for Echizen, they both fumbled with their clothes, which in the end were barely taken off.  
Fuji tried to focus on the hands that touched him, the fingernails scratching at his skin. Focus on the heat that irradiated from Echizen's thighs as he pressed their bodies together, the sturdiness of his shoulders as he supported Fuji's legs. It was all going too fast, he was dizzy from changing pain into pleasure and into pain, his body wasn't able to recover from one before it was submitted to the other.   
Each of the fingers that were roughly pushed into him felt like fire and sandpaper. He wanted to stop, to breathe and gather his wits. The burn was spreading to his lower back, and he really wanted to slow down. Echizen's feverish gaze stopped him, every time. He would shush him softly, gently, a complete opposite from the way his body was being handled. He told him to relax, that it would feel so good soon enough, that he was doing great. Each time, he'd been a second from giving up when pleasure overrode his thinking process. He moaned and twitched, wanting less while begging for more, lost in a haze of spikes, stabs and waves of delicious pleasure.   
  
Each time, just when the pain was being overturned, another finger was shoved, three in total, and it flared right back. It was excrutiating, the feeling of being ripped in two. His mind kept screaming at him to stop, that he was going to break. Apparently, he'd become so atuned to his partner that just a whispered 'you're so beautiful like this' drowned the voices in his head. He was determined not to let his inexperience ruin the moment, so he convinced himself that the pleasure would come in a while. It was temporary pain, building up to something bigger and better.  
He was almost sobbing from joy at the feeling of the fingers in him, teasing him and shooting bolts of desire all down his spine, when he felt somethin much bigger than a finger pressing into him.

"Syuusuke," and the way his whole body lurched at the strain in Echizen's voice made the smaller teen smirk. God, wasn't he just in love with that smirk. "Syuusuke, are you ready? Do you want this?"  
He wasn't ready, not at all.   
Echizen could clearly read it in his eyes as his face was resigned but disapproving.  
"Do you not want me? All of the pleasure I've been trying to give you. It's okay, have it your way."

Those careless words were what finally gave him a moment to breathe before his stomach dropped down to his feet. Echizen didn't want him. He'd done all of this, touched him, murmured all kinds of things to get him to relax, and Fuji was throwing it all away because he was nervous and a virgin. Was he being selfish and overly dramatic? Echizen's voice reeked of mockery and resentment, even as the words were of understanding. Of course he was being selfish. They'd waited so long for this, put in so much effort, and even then Echizen was giving him the chance to stop, and here he was, lost in himself. Echizen was willing to take a step back, and he fell in love just a little bit more with him for that, but Fuji felt the now all too familiar fear grip his heart. He was being too much of a hassle, giving mixed signals himself, claiming to want sex and then chickening out, and why? a little bit of pain that he could barely feel as long as he stayed still. Pain that would bleed into pleasure if he was able to wait it out. He was screwing things up again, and how long would it be until Echizen decided not to put up with his drama anymore. He looked into closed off golden eyes and wanted to smack himself for being such a terrible, cowardly boyfriend. Selfish. He mustered all of his strength, took a deep breath and shifted on the bed so that his legs were once again propped onto Echizen's shoulders. He spread his cheeks with his hands and was almost blinded by crippling pain- he ground his teeth and hid it all behind the heated gaze with which he tried to convey his message.   
_'I'm sorry, I'm willing. I'm sorry.'_  
He gave himself up and was rewarded by a smile and a playful nip to the delicate inside of his thigh. Echizen aligned himself, only pausing for a second to caress the damaged skin around his asshole, hooking one finger as though to open up a way into Fuji, that's how swollen it was. Every second he fought the need to rebel against the burning sensation that threatend to break him. Pressure kept building up as Echizen pushed slowly but surely into him, relentless. He kept whispering encouraging words and sometimes wiping Fuji's cheeks as they became covered in sweat and tears; the satisfaction and desire in those hooded eyes, looking at him as though he was something rare and special, was enough to endure any pain.  
When he was already half buried in Fuji, Echizen gave one last, hard thrust to go all the way through, and it was like being skinned alive. He blacked out for a second, and came back to experience one of the most confusing moments in his life. He was being fucked. Hard. He liked it.   
  
Fuji didn't recall much of what happened. He had random flashes, of pain, of lust, of a powerful numbness that made him feel as if he was seeing all of it happening from somewhere far away: it was too unreal, too unfathomable to believe that such a sweet, loving act could bring so much pain and satisfaction, all in one firm, single thrust that broke him for the first time. It was the first time he had felt so much- love for the adult child on top of him, all the suffering forgotten. Yes, he was ready to claw his way out of his body, but he was finally one with this beautiful, wonderful man who had endured his inexperience and still gave him love.   
He remembered feeling tears running down his cheeks and the distinctive, metallic and bitter-sweet smell of blood, but what he remembered vividly, that which he never forgot, was the image of Echizen, arched up, eyes scrunched shut as they had been from the beginning, as he climaxed, bringing him up and down with him. He still couldn't grasp the whole meaning of what had just happened. He lied there, afraid it had all been a dream, only to be awakened by the sounds of the soft snores coming from the cold body besides him.  
  
It was only the next morning when he stood in front of the bathroom mirror that the weight of night before crashed down on him; he was no longer a virgin. Echizen had already left when he awoke, and he was glad he wouldn't see how pathetic Fuji looked as he moaned in pain at every single movement. He'd just managed to arrive at the bathroom when a glimmer of purple caught his eye. Furiously contrasting with the marble-white skin, were purplish-black hand prints on his hips, fingernail bites on his shoulders, and with a slight nausea he took in the dried up mess of blood and semen that surely had come from within him, stopping halfway down his thighs.  
  
Between blows, pain and blood and a lot of screaming, he, Fuji Syuusuke, had lost his virginity. He hugged his knees to his chest as he sat down on the bathtub floor, the hot water painfully reminding him of the injuries. He cried, desperate and full of joy at the same time. Echizen had lost control, and though it was painful, he felt he had accomplished something. He had broken through the apathetic boy's façade, and it made him so incredibly happy he never noticed the way he was slowly losing consciousness, the lack of food and taking a toll on his beaten, abused body.  
  
Between the fog of emotions, only one thought crossed his clouded mind before he blacked out.  
_'I love you, Ryoma.'  
_

* * *

  
Present  
  
_'Beg for it. Plead for me to let you come. Tell me how much you want my cock inside of you.'  
_  
_'That's right. Squirm and cry like the worthless slut you are.'  
_  
_'You are mine, Syuusuke.'  
_  
_'So beautiful. No one else can give you pleasure, no one but me._ _No one loves you more than I can.'_  
  
Fuji grabbed his hair and pulled, hard. It hurt so much. Each memory, each worse than the last, each gripping at his heart, slowly bringing him down. He was lost, he had nothing. Without Echizen he was nothing at all, just empty bones in a worthless body. Even if being with him meant he was raped again and again, raped but for the fact that he was willing. He allowed himself to be abused. Even after the first times he reached for Echizen, begged him to take him countless times, just to please him. His body was no longer his anymore, now was his heart. They both belonged to the emerald-tinted black-haired teen who took delight in inflicting pain over the once-upon-a-time prodigy. He took pleasure out of breaking him, brutally, then making love to him in the softest way, kissing away his tears. Neither times did Fuji reach orgasm, ever. He drowned in pleasure but something always kept him from comletion; not like he would mention it, frightened beyond reason that Echizen would think that Fuji was unsatisfied by him. It was fine, most times he didn't even deserve orgasm, with as often as Echizen had to do most of the work, constantly reminding him that he had  _begged_ for it.   
For the second times, the soft ones, Echizen thoroughly prepared the previously bloodied hole, caressing his thighs and showering him with soft nips as he pushed in, even waiting for Fuji's body to accommodate the familiar intruder. He would then proceed to roll his hips, keeping a leisured pace while he leaned over and whispered words of comfort, promises of eternal love. When all was done, he would rest his head atop Fuji's chest and give him a single, brief kiss on the lips, the only one he was granted each night. Then he'd fall asleep, leaving Fuji to his thoughts, ignoring the way his mind screamed at him how he was steadily self-destructing.  
  
_"I'm so sorry. Please don't be mad. I love you so much, please don't leave me."_  
  
_"Don't cry, Syuusuke. I am here now, with you. Always."_  
  
_"Thank you for loving me for who I am, with all my shortcomings. Promise that you forgive me."_  
  
_"I love you, Syuusuke. Forever."_  


* * *

  
Past  
  
Those words were always what were left in his mind. Not the orders, and not the violence. Not the tearing sensation or the pain. The scrapes of sharp nails against his shoulder, the sting of the bleeding teeth marks on his tender neck, the pulsing in his body from when he was repeatedly punched and squeezed. All of these lay forgotten. He had been shattered and rebuilt, all to please this boy. He was his slave. Echizen loved him, he knew that much, as he constantly heard the words. There was no mistaking the caring tone, the fondness in his voice as he spoke in his ear, the loving touch that had him shivering in ecstasy. He cherished every bruise, every scratch, every cut, as much as he did the bruising kisses and chaste lip-smacking that Echizen delivered like a trail down his body, as though to replace those memories.  
  
Echizen would often take pictures, usually of Fuji after Echizen had pulled out and come all over his body, semen covered his abdomen, Echizen's fingers mixing it with blood and smearing the mess all over creamy thighs. Bruises of different colours adorned his features, highlighting the natural paleness of his skin. His face held such an ugly beauty it was hypnotizing. Lips parted in a silent plea for help, skin blotched red from the effort. His eyes remained open, Echizen always made sure they did, and his cheeks were stained with a mixture of salty tears that flowed unperturbed towards the sides of his face, and the smudged trails of black mascara the golden-eyed teen made him put on, forming little tracks of black that went down to his lower jawbone.  
It was breathtaking. It was heartbreaking.  
  
Days grew into weeks, and weeks into months if this sick routine. They continued acting as they always did at school and with their friends, the only difference being that Fuji now changed always before or after everyone had changed, and took to 'mysteriously' using training pants instead of his usual shorts. Arms he needn't worry about, as Echizen always made sure there were no marks there. People wouldn't understand.   
On the rare occasions they did not have sex, Fuji would sneak into the his beautiful boyfriend's bedroom begging for comfort and love. None of these Echizen actually provided, but the blue-eyed teen never knew otherwise, for he was his first and only love and desire.  
  


* * *

  
Present

  
_"Missed me, princess?"  
_  
_"What the- Kevin!"  
_  
_"I missed you, you know. Like, crazy missed you. Come on, don't cry or I'll cry too."  
_  
_"Fuck you, I'm not crying. You're so skinny, and beaten. Your father?"  
_  
_"Yeah... well, I got away. I can't believe I found you. I thought of you all the time. If not for you, I would've killed the son of a bitch. Hey! Who's that?"  
_  
_"Fuji Syuusuke... he's- well, he's from my school."  
_  
_"Nice to meet you, Fuji. I'm Kevin Smith, Echizen's one true love."  
_  
_"Shut up, Kevin."_

_"Make me, Ryoma."_

  
The voices faded away after that, he wasn't able to recall a word.  
A painful sob escaped his lips as the mirror on the wall bore witness to the piteous figure he made, crouched beside the bed, hugging his knees and staring unblinkingly at the picture in his hand. In it, a tall, blonde male, sunglasses poised over his head, softly cupped the side of another boy's face. This boy was slightly shorter, with messy black hair and the most gorgeous mossy-golden eyes. What always got him, though, was the look of adoration- of _love_ \- in those betraying, unfeeling eyes. The way they looked at each other, fondness written all over their faces, screamed of a level of vulnerable intimacy that made Fuji's skin crawl with the need to do something, with the all too familiar need to _hurt._  
  
Kevin Smith and Echizen Ryoma were in love. Echizen cared for the blond in a way he never did for the handsome prodigy.  
Echizen Ryoma didn't love him. He never had.  
  


* * *

  
Past  
  
Fuji received the message displayed in those gorgeous, menacing eyes: 'don't say a thing'. Like the trained pet he was, he smiled and presented himself as his _'senpai'_. He felt himself blush despite his efforts when he became aware of Kevin's scrutinizing deep blue gaze on him. He knew the boy was evaluating him, trying to decipher the relationship between the two of them. But Fuji wasn't going to lose to him, not in his area of expertise. Especially, not to Kevin. So he put on his best poker face on and excused himself once a satisfied smirk appeared on the blond male.  
  
He had locked himself up after that conversation ended. He had rocked on his heels for hours, thinking hard. Could it be... Could it be that his boyfriend -could he still call him that?- was in love with the American tennis player?. He had heard the warmth in Echizen's voice. He had seen the possessive stance Kevin took when he'd faced him. Most of all, though, he noticed how none of those expressions were directed towards him. In fact, after that little scene, he might as well have been invisible. Should he have stayed?   
  
'It wouldn't have done much of a difference,' he bitterly thought, as he clenched his jaw in order to stop the tears from coming.  
A fear as he had never felt before enveloped him as he stared at his own wide eyes reflected back to him by the full-length mirror on the opposite wall. He was a sea of emotions so raucous that he couldn't distinguish the pain from the resignation, the hurt from the anger, the jealousy from the guilt, or the grief from the self-loathing. His lips where chapped and his skin looked ashen, except for the slightly blotched patch of red on his cheeks, the result of putting so much effort on calming himself.  
Echizen was going to leave him.   
A terror like none he had ever experienced took a hold of him, he quivered in fear and franticly shook his head, hard. No, no no no no- he couldn't, why- when- how- but-  
There was no way to talk to him, everything was unclear and he couldn't understand. He was going insane, he felt like vomiting. A wave of self-loathing, then of anger and pain. He wanted so badly to feel, to hurt. It was the first of many times to come he took the pain he craved from his own hands.  
Finally, there was only despair.  
  
Suddenly, the image in the mirror blurred and morphed into one he could distinguish anywhere: two men, one holding the cheek of the other, looking adoringly into his eyes.  
He recognized them perfectly well, one had a blond ponytail. The other, a tell-tale mop of emerald-tinted black hair.  
  
From outside the house, a chilling wail was heard and a loud, wincing crash sliced the air.  
  
Then, silence.  


* * *

The End

**Author's Note:**

> I still can't believe I was 15 (15!!) when I wrote this. Then again, RL messed me up bad around that time. But still... well.  
> Thank you for reading! Hope you liked it.  
> Feedback as always is very, very welcome!
> 
> EDIT: (RL thing you probably don't care about) I have to get something off my chest. [TW: Abuse, SH]  
> Thing is, I'd completely forgotten this fic until I started revisiting them for AO3. I wrote this on 2009. I was in an abusive relationship for a year, 2013. Verbal, psychological. Sexual. Now that I read this I realise my story is disturbingly similar to Fuji's. Freakishly so. Like there's just a few details that are different.  
> This fic came from a dark place in my mind, from some of my deepest fears and morbid teenage imagination. The fact that 4 years later it became reality has hit me something fierce, it shook me bad. I just about didn't upload it, but I wanted it to remain real. It was foreshadowing of the things that happened to me, things I'm still dealing with the consecuences of (SH).  
> PoT was the fandom I clinged to at that age, but I don't really identify with it anymore- I'm thinking about rewriting it for a fandom that's more representative of my present self. I think it would do me good, revisiting this 4 years AFTER the fact. Is that a thing? Do you think it's a terrible idea? Should I? Thoughts are more than welcome. If you took the time to read this, even if you don't comment, I thank you, just the thought makes me feel better.
> 
> TL;DR? It's perfectly fine, I hope you enjoyed the story.


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